So I came across this old manuscript in… actually it would take too long to tell, and I’d rather concentrate on sharing the excerpts I’m translating. The original language is 18th-century German, but thankfully the manuscripts were written in a code which includes surprisingly advanced semantic elements, making it possible for me to decipher directly into English with less effort than I’d need to decode into and then translate the raw text. Below is the introduction; I will link to excerpts as I decrypt them.

The less remarkable adventures of Professor Dr Dr Dr Baron Dietrich-Johanna von Igelfeld

Modesty would normally prohibit the publication of such memoirs as these, casting me as they do in a considerably heroical light; though I myself make no assertions as to the merits of my own character, except the minimum required by my standing as a nobleman – and what is more a gentleman – and more still a gentleman-scholar of some considerable renown – only the dullest of wits could conclude that the protagonist of such tales as these were any less than a paragon, and as the said protagonist it could be said that my motive in recounting these lesser feats and experiences is indirectly to proclaim my own virtues. Nothing could be further from the truth, and the scoundrel who asserts otherwise when I have offered the true explanation shall be taken outside and soundly thrashed.

I have been persuaded, against my own strong inclination to self-deprecation and retirement from the public eye, to relate these tales of some of my lesser exploits in the interests of Science and the Advancement of Knowledge; for the sake of Posterity, that future generations (especially of my own scholarly line) may know and learn from the examples herein of Adversity Vanquished and Triumph Attained; and for the sake of my good friend, the Baron Munchausen, who despite his noble independence of mind has been sorely aggrieved by sly insinuations and mocking inflections – for none have been so uncowardly as to call him a liar to his face and thereby offer him opportunity of either proving his case or seeking a gentleman’s satisfaction – in response to his own humble reminiscences. It is my hope that those who regard his accounts as outlandish will, by reading selections from my own history, come to realise that for persons such as he and I events of this calibre are common, even humdrum, and that to the truly noble soul quite extraordinary vistas of possibility are open to view, visitation and conquest. As simultaneous proof of both this fact and my heretofore asserted reticence, I offer the fact that I here recount only the less remarkable of my adventures. Perhaps in a less cynical age, one less inclined to scoff at noble deeds (and worse, question the honesty of their reporter), I might be prevailed upon to tell in full the exceptional events which have marked the life of

Your servant,

Professor Doktor Doktor Doktor Baron Dietrich-Johanna von Igelfeld


How I won the War of the Pie single-handed

How my membership of all Historical and Archaeological Societies worldwide came to be unjustly suspended for a full month each year as the result of a single case of heartbreak